Here at Autostraddle, we love to help. In fact as you may know, we have an entire column titled YOU NEED HELP that runs every Tuesday, where you write us questions and we answer them! We answer lots of questions about lots of different subjects: family, gender, work, friendship, sex, life… but the questions we get more frequently than any other are about love. We get questions from people after breakups wondering if they were ever in love, people who wonder if they’re in love with their BFF or just having regular friend emotions, people who are perpetually single and wonder what love even is and if they never date will they be doomed to not find it, people starting relationships wondering when to say “I love you” and how to know if it’s a true feeling, and people who are just confused and lost and overwhelmed and wondering: what is love?
Recently we received one version of this question in our YOU NEED HELP submission box that spurred a lot of internal conversation, and as editor of the column I decided that it would be useful to run a roundtable sharing multiple perspectives on our most popular query: what is love? So I present to you, the day after Valentine’s Day, some of our thoughts about love. Thank you, as always, for trusting us with your hearts when you write in to YOU NEED HELP. We love you. — Vanessa, Community Editor
PS: You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
I love when Heather Hogan makes me cry
this was so beautifully written by all of you!!
i think love is when you will never stop caring for a person. the people i love are the ones who could call me in the middle of the night because they need me and i would be there no questions asked, even if we are no longer on speaking terms or i don’t like them very much or i would never willingly hang out with them under normal circumstances. of course most of the people i love i do like quite a lot, but there are some people i love that i now no longer like.
HEATHER FUCKING HOGAN
Also, Meg: “The love I feel with and for my current partner isn’t like anything I’ve experienced before, and while it’s tempting (and may be true) to say that she’s simply a better fit for me, I think it’s more accurate to say that my capacity for love has expanded, that my willingness to be vulnerable and open and authentically myself has grown, and that I am willing to do the hard work to maintain our relationship in a way that younger versions of myself simply couldn’t.” I love you so much.
i love you too, so much 🖤
Not me tearing up in my cubicle after reading Heather’s description of the Love she has for her wife! May we all be so lucky to love and be loved like that someday.
Of course I couldn’t not read this intriguingly titled ‘You need help’. It’s more than seven months since I split up from my love of two years. I feel as if I was used, treated off-handedly, and even hollowed out as a person. In all likelihood she is on the spectrum of NPD and love avoidant, and probably the worst partner I could ever have had. And yet, I loved her with an intensity I’d never known before, and here, I read somewhere that we gals often confuse intensity of emotions for love. I don’t know anymore. I know that I still love her. I just think that I’ll never love like that again but I’m still hoping to be fulminated with that electricity and feel in that place again. So having related all that, I have to agree with the other contributors that Heather’s description of the little interactions between her and Stacey are so beautiful that I am happy for you both, and maybe one day, I’ll….Love to all the contributors and everyone in love 💜
At this point it’s on me for being surprised that something Heather wrote made me cry!
I think love is a commitment as well as an emotion. And the commitment (can) remain steady as the emotion ebbs and flows and swirls.
As Abeni says, it’s a decision you make. But it’s not exactly a rational decision. I think that’s the mystery of it – what mysterious combination of chemistry and affinity and history and luck makes someone your person? And what makes the difference between a commitment for a little while and 20 years? I don’t know.
This is what I know about love.
Love is my mother asking me why I volunteered at my local LGBTQ+ center and really listening to the answer (after reacting badly to me coming out 20 years earlier). And love is me inviting her to come with me to watch her first pride parade, in her 70s. And love is us going early so we could find a spot in the shade.
Love is my 80 something grandmother suggesting that she and I go out to a different restaurant once a month after I moved back to Chicago in my 20s. I’d moved back partly to be closer to her but didn’t know how to connect once I got there – sharing a meal once a month helped us get close again.
Love is me going to the dentist and the doctor every year and getting all of my screenings, even though I hate them, even though they can trigger my ptsd, because my spouse asked me to take care of my health so we can grow old together.
Love is me crying through our first couples counseling session, realizing that our marriage was in bigger trouble than I realized and that I needed to commit to managing my ptsd better – for my sake and for my spouse’s sake. (And it did save our marriage, although I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d left then – it was grim for awhile there).
This is so vulnerable and real. Thank you all for sharing bits of your heart. <3
How does everything Heather writes about love feel like a revelation?
One of Autostraddle’s best articles for sure. So much to think about, process, cry and laugh about. I love all of you! Thank you for your writing! You’re the chosen family I never met!
Agreed! Such a fucking amazing read
Abeni! I really really appreciate your words because I feel so much the same way. I’ve never felt that ‘inexplicable pull,’ those fireworks, that ‘you just know,’ feeling. Not the way other people seem to. Or at least, not how those feelings are described. I’m not sure what that means and I think I’m okay with that. But it is nice to know I’m not alone :)
Same!!