The Ultimatum: Queer Love Recap – Episode 5
We seemingly open on Dayna and Mel having sex? I mean, not a literal scene of it, but we can hear moaning and sex sounds from behind their bedroom door. I mean, we all say the balcony booty grab. We knew where that was heading.
Second Week of Trial Marriages (Continued)
Pilar + Kyle
Okay, yeah, still trying to get the bottom of this, and so are they. Pilar says she’s owning up to what she did, but she doesn’t feel like Kyle is taking any accountability. Kyle says, yes, she does take accountability for giving mixed signals. Pilar, still hung up on the “playing the game” comment, says she’s not some player. She has been with one person her entire life. Kyle admits she’s not great at healthy conflict and probably shouldn’t have said that. Pilar is surprised by how “jabby” Kyle got, which Kyle blames on having sisters who fought meanly.
How can they move forward? Pilar thinks they can start over. Kyle cries and says she appreciates Pilar and how she sees her. She feels safe in conflict with her.
A lot going on here! I don’t really know what to make of it! I initially assumed these two would have a drama-free Trial Marriage. But I think they’re both in very different places emotionally, and it’s leading to some confusion and miscommunication. Maybe they can get it back on track?
Later in the episode, they agree Kyle can see on the couch and Pilar can take the bed. Okay, we’re resetting. New boundaries, new Trial Marriage.
Haley + Magan
Oh YES it’s time for the part of the show where people bring in bewildered family members and friends to be like “hey here’s this new person in my life who I’m in a Trial Marriage with let’s all talk about it on camera.” I love this part.
Magan invites her fellow masc friends Ali and Nikki to meet her trial wife — or as she calls her, her “tilly willy” — over a beautiful Lebanese meal out in Miami. Magan tells her friends it’s so easy with Haley, and I think it’s so funny when people on this show say things like this. Of course it’s easy! It isn’t real life! You’re playing house! It’s sexy and fun and no one has to think about bills or rent or groceries or car problems.
Her friends ask Magan about family stuff, and Magan says that even just being around a whole group of queer people these past few weeks has really opened her eyes. She has never really been in a situation like this before. She says she’s really pushing herself and growing, and she gets emotional. Her friends are stunned. This is a very different Magan than they’re used to.
The friends ask Haley if her ex is masc, and she says no. They’re surprised by this and ask her what it’s like dating a masc. This is an interesting convo! In general, I wish the show delved into more specifics of queer dating and dynamics. I’m also super interested in Magan being a masc who wants to carry one day — that’s not representation we see a whole lot of! Haley says she was more dominant in her relationship with Pilar (oops, I know they’re supposed to talk about their original partners in the past tense and as if they’re really broken up, but I usually don’t slip into that! Even I’m swept up in the romance between Magan and Haley!). Magan told her she had to put her hand in the back when they held hands, and I laughed at that, because that’s absolutely something my wife would tell me.
The friends ask if there’s potential here (“YES!” I scream from home). Haley doesn’t ever want to lose Magan from her life, whatever that looks like, and Magan agrees. “Welcome to the squad,” her friends say to Haley. Cute!
Their life at home continues to look quite blissful. They’re eating popcorn together in bed, giving each other googly eyes. They play another sexy game with some whipped dream and kissing and…also moaning? Lotta sex sounds happening in this episode!
On a date the next day, Haley notes that clearly some lines are getting blurry. They go ahead and put it out there: They had sex. They’re not trying to hide it. Magan says sex opened another part of the relationship and allowed them to go deeper, and Haley thinks they would have regretted it if they hadn’t hooked up. “I’m here to have an authentic relationship with Haley. I’m here to have an authentic relationship with Dayna,” Magan says. She really has done a full 180 since wanting to initially walk away from the show. She doesn’t think the two relationships are comparable, but it seems like she’s definitely unlocking some new knowledge about herself through this connection with Haley.
And yeah, if you’re going to have sex during a Trial Marriage, don’t hide it! Don’t be weird about it! They’re both going about this in a way that feels normal!
AJ + Marie
Marie has never felt more alone, but she knows it isn’t AJ’s fault. She didn’t realize how much the process of this show would make her realize how unhealed she is from things in the past. Here we have another People Having Serious Conversations Under Blankets on the Couch scene, and this time there’s also inexplicably a Pride flag draped along the back of the couch.
Marie is in shock that Mel couldn’t even look at her at the pool. “Mel’s smile would have been enough,” she says. Instead, there was nothing at all. She’s resentful that AJ has had two conversations with Britney and she can’t even walk past her person. AJ is really here for her for all of this. She wants her to put aside her ex, focus on herself.
Marie then really lets it all out and shares all the shit she has been through: She stopped talking to her mother, and then her mother died by suicide. “It doesn’t get easier,” she says. “I hid from that for years. And that shit just creeps up in all these spare moments that I have.” She feels angry. “I’m a very angry person deep down,” she says. AJ says it’s like Marie finally has time to process all of this. She works three jobs usually. And yeah, I do think there’s something to be said of the fact that for a lot of people, taking time off from their regular jobs and regular lives to do this show really cracks open something in them. It’s not exactly the “right” or perfect setting for her to process stuff from her past, but hey, we can’t control when these things crop up, and maybe having AJ as a neutral party to listen to her let some of this out could actually really help Marie in a way Mel couldn’t.
Britney + Marita
Screenshot
Well, these gals are having a grand ol’ time! It’s sleepover vibes! But Marita also worries that Britney is holding back some of her emotions and real feelings about AJ, her relationship, the process, all of it, for her sake. She wants Britney to act and feel the way she would if she wasn’t here. They both want to work on being stronger advocates for themselves and their feelings. Marita says for her it all goes back to her childhood when she was the youngest in a home full of turmoil, so she always tried to be the happy one making everyone feel better. She then talks about how work isn’t fulfilling her economically, emotionally, or physically, and Britney says it sounds like other parts of her life, too. She wants her to stand up for herself and accept nothing less.
And now they’re going to watch Norbit! They’re crushing Trial Marriage in a way the others couldn’t dream of!!!!!! And later on a day date to eat some salad on a bench, they make squirting and creaming jokes. Again I say: We lesbians love a filthy joke.
Mel + Dayna
On a picnic in the park, Dayna tells Mel she spoke with her mom, who she describes as her best friend. This is a major red flag for me personally. I find there to be a strong correlation between being best friends with your mother and arrested emotional development, but I digress! Dayna says she had to create her own vision of marriage for her self because that wasn’t modeled to her growing up. She once again tries to tell Mel what she wants, which she has been weirdly doing this whole time, insisting Mel actually does want marriage. Mel is like “don’t bring me into this.” She doesn’t know what Dayna wants her to offer her. There’s tension. Mel thinks Dayna is trying to make her meet her where she’s at. It isn’t real compromise. Dayna thinks Mel is just scared, not that she actually doesn’t want things like marriage, positioning herself as a bigger expert on Mel’s feelings and desires than Mel herself after a mere few weeks of knowing her. That is indeed a personality type!
Mel becomes more direct about not wanting kids. When she was in her her early teens, she felt weird around kids. She wasn’t interested in seeing or hearing about other people’s babies. When she was 16, she was told she’d never be able to carry a child herself and that if she did, either she or the baby would die due to her chronic health conditions. Since she didn’t want a kid anyway, the news didn’t hit her too hard. The actually wild part of this reveal though is that Mel says Marie doesn’t know this?! They’ve been together four years! She should know this! Dayna points out that Mel is very lucky she’s gay, because hey, she doesn’t even have to carry, her partner could.
Back at the apartment, they seemingly hook up.
Ashley + Bridget
You know, these two don’t really have a ton going on outside of being pretty sweet together like Britney and Marita. Ashley really loves her dog! I’m rooting for Ashley and Marita as individuals, though I do not think they should get back together. They just don’t seem like the right fit, and Marita was 22 when they got together, which is just so young. Ashley has been through a lot and I think should be with someone with better aligned life experience (probably closer to her age or even older).
They go on a pottery date, where Bridget teaches Ashley how to throw clay. It’s sweet, if a little stilted. Ashley compares Bridget’s pot to an onion volcano at hibachi.
Third Week of Trial Marriages
Mel + Dayna
We sure are spending a lot of time with Mel and Dayna in this episode, and I think that’s how you know they’re troublemakers. But this show would be nothing without the troublemakers! Dayna introduces Mel to her mom and her sister. I am living for Dayna’s mom’s sparkly chest glitter.
“My world revolves around her every single day,” Dayna says of Mel. Well! I think you have a lot to work on in terms of boundaries and maintaining individual identity within a partnership, Dayna! And I think this show is making you lean into your bad patterns rather than address them!
Mel jokingly complains about Dayna hitting her in her sleep while they cuddle. Her mom and sister agree Dayna can be very hot and cold. Her sister says Dayna became a different person when she started dating Magan: softer, happier. Magan made her a better person, and Dayna’s sister loves Magan. This all sounds great to me, a certified Magan Stan.
The whole thing has Dayna, understandably, thinking of Magan. But Magan is not thinking of her. Back at the apartment, Dayna is out on the balcony wrapped in a blanket and making a tearful nighttime call to Magan. We don’t hear Magan’s words, but Dayna is freaking out, asking how Magan can say that to her, saying she doesn’t even know who she’s talking to right now. “You’re treating me like I’m nothing,” she says. She wants to go back to Michigan. She is disappointed, calling Magan her person. “She literally told me to fuck off,” she says. “I feel like I’m gonna die right now.”
YIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES.
But also…just saying…Magan wanted to walk away from this whole thing in the first place, and you convinced her to stay…I’m just…you know…putting that out there. Food for thought.
Night Out
We now have a group night out! The ultimatum receivers go to one bar, and the ultimatum givers go to another. I’m sure everyone is going to be perfectly respectful and cordial and no shit will be stirred.
Ultimatum Receivers
Marita asks Bridget how Bentley, Ashley’s dog, is and becomes sufficiently jealous when Bridget talks about how much Bentley loves her. Fair! Mel says she’s glad Magan is here…she wants to talk. Marita likes having a femme wife, because Britney will do her lip liner for her, and that’s hot. Britney is being really attentive and a good listener, too, and AJ says she hopes Britney can provide that for her when they reunite.
Pilar admits it’s hard not to spiral about what Haley could be doing with Magan. Oof! I think that will indeed be a tough one to swallow when she does learn just how close they’ve gotten. “I respect you. I would never do anything to hurt you,” Magan says. At least, not intentionally.
AJ says Marie is having a hard time getting over Mel, especially after Mel didn’t acknowledge her, to which Mel responds she was just doing what she’s supposed to be doing. Is there external pressure from producers for them not to talk to their original partners during their first trial marriages??? I mean, AJ and Britney met UP. And even IF they were breaking some rules to do so, all either Marie or Magan wanted from Mel and Dayna was a smile, a hello, not a full-on conversation.
Magan agrees with AJ’s assessment of Marie’s reaction: When she saw Dayna and she couldn’t look at her, it hurt. She isn’t going to run after her like a puppy dog. Mel steps in here, clearly with a bone to pick. She doesn’t think Magan should keep punishing her. “If she needs you, are you always there?” she asks Magan in a tone that clearly suggests she believes the answer to be no. Mel doesn’t like how Magan handled Dayna’s late-night phone call. She says if her partner reaches out to her hysterically, she’s always there. She wouldn’t tell her partner not to call her again.
Innocent, clueless Marita gently asks “what happened yesterday?”
Mel would like to have a private conversation with Magan. She tells her Dayna is there for her a lot and Magan is always her person, but when she needed Magan, she didn’t show up. Magan jumps in to say Dayna was not asking her for help, because she never does. Instead, Dayna had said she was breaking up with her, she was going home, that she in fact did not need her. Mel says Magan should have identified this as Dayna issuing a cry for help, because Magan knows how Dayna is and this is how she asks for help. “Just because I know it doesn’t mean I’m gonna enable it,” Magan says. And that’s fair! Dayna issuing these, ahem, ultimatums of “I’m breaking up with you” and “I’m leaving” are manipulative, not productive. If she needs help, she has to say that. If she needs support, she has to say that. She can’t use threats to get Magan to come take care of her. That’s a horrible pattern in a relationship, and you know what, it’s starting to really make sense why Dayna is an ultimatum giver in the first place.
Ultimatum Givers
Marie admits it was really hard the first week. AJ wasn’t feeling the same way she was, and she brings up AJ meeting with Britney, who honestly seems to be pretty secure and chill, perhaps the most of anyone at this point of the show. Dayna tells Marie she deserves better, and Britney is like “than AJ????” And I am having the same reaction, because if there’s anyone Marie deserves better from, it’s Mel.
Dayna says her experience with Mel has been really real, and Marie does not seemingly like to hear this. Dayna reminds them all that no one forced any of them to do this. I think Dayna could use this reminder for herself, too.
Haley shares that Magan is very comfortable talking about her emotions and that they’ve been having a very emotional experience (physical, too, but she doesn’t share that). Haley hopes that she and Pilar can take the work they’ve done on theirselves and mesh it together, but she also knows it could push them apart. Kyle says she feels Pilar is working on herself. “I think that Magan will always be in my life,” Haley says, and Dayna’s fae says otherwise.
Dayna admits to the group she almost left last night. She doesn’t know if she has a future with Magan, who she says didn’t give a fuck she existed during that phone call. Kyle gently suggests Pilar is feeling similarly about Haley, who says she doesn’t want to be a tyrant to Pilar and also wasn’t present for the phone conversation Magan had with Dayna, who doesn’t believe her. Haley thinks neither Magan nor Dayna were assuming good intentions on that phone call, and she insists Magan is not regressing and is making a ton of growth. It just might not be the growth Dayna wants or expects.
Dayna asks Marie to talk privately, and I laughed when she phrased it as “do you wanna talk?” and Marie is like “do YOU?!” Because yeah, clearly this conversation is for Dayna’s peace of mind, not really to make Marie feel any better. Marie admits to having insecurity about them: “surface level, you and Mel are hot.” And she doesn’t like that! Dayna tells her to give them the benefit of the doubt, and Marie fires back to ask if she’s doing that with Magan. Also…benefit of the doubt for what? Dayna and Mel clearly hooked up, and I don’t think Marie will care for that information! Dayna says she can’t live without Magan or without Mel, and Marie asks Dayna and Mel like each other. I think that ship sailed long ago, girl!
Haley then requests a private conversation with Marie, who is very overwhelmed. Haley tells Marie she has heard Dayna and Mel are more romantically involved than they’re letting on…and that there’s receipts. She doesn’t have said receipts, but they’re out there. Marie accurately points out that anything anyone does will come to light no matter what, because yeah, it’ll be on television! The show is the receipts! Marie is shaking. Haley tells her she deserves better.
Back at home, AJ checks in on Marie, who says she’s “fucking peachy, darling.” We’re definitely seeing a glimpse of some of that anger Marie herself talked about. She tells AJ that Haley has proof Mel and Dayna are fucking, while she’s playing house. “FUCK. THAT,” she says, fuming. Marie needs answers from Mel ASAP; she doesn’t care if she has to go on “every fucking floor screaming her name.” She will find her ass.
I BELIEVE HER.
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– It was sketchy to me how AJ discloses of having met Britney after being found out by Marie and then saying something like: “From now on, I will truly 100% commit to you…” Yeah sure. Especially after all AJ’s extensive playing during the dates and Kyle’s confrontation about it.
– I wholeheartedly agree with you on this Kayla (re: Ashley): “it makes so much sense why you have baggage about not only marriage but also the grand romantic gestures Marita is so desperate for.“
For one: there is a higher risk for people who experienced domestic violence to experience this again. And if one experiences domestic violence in a marriage, it can be harder to leave! All the binding legal stuff! And also, yes, domestic violence and grand gestures so often go hand in hand!
– “The cameras might make it high stakes, but you’d be surprised. I watch enough reality television to know that actually people have an easier time getting vulnerable in front of cameras than in their regular lives. There’s almost a layer of UNreality to it for them.” – But… millions of viewers who then know your secret that your partner even doesn’t know? I don’t understand. But then, I don’t understand the concept of reality television altogether.
– Enmeshment is very different to codependency… Yes, thank you.
– Pilar & Kyle: It was puzzling to me how they spoke about the kiss “what happened” – “happen” as word instead of Pilar kissing Kyle, Kyle maybe kissing back, maybe not. I got really bad vibes from that. Obviously we have no idea what happened, but if Pilar wanted to kiss and Kyle said no, I am confused why Pilar would try again later that very night. And why in the conversations that followed, Pilar doesn’t straight up say: “I’m so sorry I crossed your boundary, that’s on me. What do you need me to do to start repairing it?” but instead insists that Kyle gave mixed messages and it was Kyle’s responsibility. I get that this is all stressful, and communication is not the best in moments of high stress and hurt feelings, but Pilar could have also asked Kyle what of her actions made it hard for Kyle to say no, what made Kyle uncomfortable, and it would have been an entire different conversation!
Once again, I have no clue what exactly went down but people who may first cross boundaries and then cry and tell the person whose boundary they crossed that it was their fault or that their naming of crossed boundaries is hurtful… Not great.
I really wanted someone to stand up for Kyle! For her to have a back-up who understands that for some people, saying no is hard and then getting in conflict about a boundary that wasn’t respected and is not acknowledged by the person who disrespected the boundary is a shitty situation to be in!
– The conversations about femme-femme and femme-masc-relationships is also something I would like to see more of! And a masc person willing to carry. In the film “The Same Difference,” studs were very hard on each other and even hateful when one of them decided to carry… I, too, would be interested to have more conversations about this. But it is very clear that the show has different priorities than me.
– Dayna: “My mom is my best friend.” Me: “This explains a lot.” Red flag indeed.
– “Dayna thinks Mel is just scared, not that she actually doesn’t want things like marriage, positioning herself as a bigger expert on Mel’s feelings and desires than Mel herself after a mere few weeks of knowing her.” Sometimes people do this also when knowing a person better. A friend of mine wanted kids but the partner did not. And my friend said to her partner that she was just scared when indeed her partner just didn’t want what my friend wanted. In my experience, people do this move to get what they want instead of accepting that what the other person wants is not congruent to their own desire.
It is baffling that Dayna, after hearing Mel’s background story, just brushes everything aside and is like: “Not a problem! Your partner can carry!” Mel has more reasons for not wanting children than medical ones. But then again, after everything I’ve seen so far, maybe not so baffling after all.
Totally agree with you on the Pilar & Kyle stuff. Pilar turned it around and made herself the victim, even though technically she’s the perpetrator. Crazy work LOL
Also agree Daina has so many red flags its not even funny
Unfortunately, that is a very common thing – for the person who crossed the boundaries to present themselves as the victim and the person whose boundaries were crossed to apologize and agreeing to it being a misunderstanding or that both sides were responsible.
For the person whose boundaries were crossed, it often feels safer to agree to this narrative of a misunderstanding or that they were responsible, too, because the backlash they receive from the other person (who crossed their boundaries) is just so strong and painful. In addition, they have often started from a position in which “No” is hard, people-pleasing necessary, and fawning is crucial.
I hate this dynamic and I wish there was a therapist in this show to intervene in so many situations. But that defeats the purpose of reality TV that is designed for drama and people yelling at each other.
Thank you for the “chai tea” note
This whole festival of ridiculous reality tv with recaps is such a delight. I’m on my way to spend the weekend with a bunch of heteros, and am now stopping myself from reading more bc getting to have comfy queer humor at the ready is such a good feeling. A true public service, these are!
OK YALL I AM HERE AND I AM CAUGHT UP AND I HAVE THOUGHTS OHHHMY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok first of all, I also think Britney and Marita are sweet but I also think the show focuses wayyyy more on how much Britney and AJ are supporting Marita and Marie than vice versa, I am wondering if I am the only person seeing this. Second of all DID I NOT CALL ON THE DAY THE HEADSHOTS DROPPED THAT MAGAN WOULD BE A FUCKING DREAMBOAT? Sorry but I have fully fallen in love with her and I want her and Hailey to ride off into the sunset together and have lots of babies. Yeah they’re just playing house, but they’re playing house in a way that is incredibly touching and entertaining to me so I need it to never stop. Mel and Dayna … deserve each other, that’s all I’ll say about that. I fully expected to love this show more than I did before when I was in a bad relationship now that I’m single, but I did not realize just how much I would fucking adore it. I am a whole new person. I like screaming at ridiculous reality TV now. The world is my oyster. Magan call me please.
Haley and Magan are so cute togetherrrr! they are definitely my favorite couple. just the transformation in Magan from so uncomfortable with the whole situation and wanting to leave to the date with Haley and feeling so much more at ease seemed really genuine to me, and it’s nice seeing how happy they make each other!
also, like you said, kudos for being open about the fact that they had sex!